Fun Stuff
TO BE PONDERED WITH GOOD FRIENDS
A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were cute.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the waiters were sweet boys.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters were kindly.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
GRANDMA'S LETTER:
Dear Son,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
GOD'S IMPROVEMENT
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago.
"Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
REALITY CHECK
1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
2. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.
3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPPEE!
6. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, just think of Algebra.
8. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
9. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
10. The golden years are really just metallic years: gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.
11. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.
12. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
13. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.
14. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
15. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and blind that they don't recognize you.
16. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
17. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
18. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
THIS ONE'S FOR CARMAN:
There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN
And proud of it!
I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, and antacid.
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories. Over and over and over and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for - long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uh???...uh.
I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors. Absolutely nothing!
If you are what you eat, I'm Shredded Wheat and All Bran.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years. SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP.
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts, I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN, and I think I am having the time of my life!!!!
ALWAYS REMEMBER: The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road.
YET ANOTHER "OLDER THAN DIRT" TRIVIA QUIZ
1. In 1950, the Famous Brinks Robbery netted $2.8 million.
Where did it occur?
A. Boston
B. New York
C. Chicago
2. Who said "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away."
A. Gen. Dwight Eisenhower
B. Gen. Omar Bradley
C. Gen. Douglas MacArthur
3. Catcher in the Rye's portrayal of Holden Caufield's 16-year-old-life was a huge success. Who wrote the book?
A. Herman Wouk
B. J.D. Salinger
C. William Faulkner
4. Which longest running daytime drama moved from radio to TV in 1952?
A. Days of Our Lives
B. General Hospital
C. Guiding Light
5. In 1952 Richard Nixon made a speech known as the “Checkers“ speech in answer to allegations against him. Who or what was the subject of this speech?
A. Cocker Spaniel Dog
B. The game of politics
C. A favorite pastime
6. What accomplishment in 1953 made Edmund Hilary and Tenzing Norgay famous?
A. Break the sound barrier
B. Summit Mt. Everest
C. Run a four minute mile
7. What did Francis Watson and James Crick become famous for discovering?
A. The polio vaccine
B. The transitor
C. The "double helix" of DNA
8. In 1954, the law known as Brown v. Board of Education was passed. What did the law prohibit?
A. School segregation
B. School sports
C. Affirmative action
9. What was the name of the new company formed when Nash-Kelvinator and Hudson Motor Car Co. merged?
A. Chrysler
B. General Motors
C. American Motors
10. What fast-food franchise opened to the jingle, “Hold the pickle! Hold the lettuce!“ in 1954?
A. Burger King
B. Pizza Hut
C. McDonalds
11. Psychologist Joyce Brothers won the "$64,000 Question." What was her topic?
A. Eastern philosophy
B. American literature
C. Boxing
12.What motto did Congress authorize all US currency and coins to say in 1953?
A. In God We Trust
B. United States of America
C. Liberty
13. Rosa Parks' refusal to give up her seat on a bus led to a Supreme Court decision outlawing bus segregation. Where did this happen?
A. Memphis, Tennessee
B. Macon, Georgia
C. Montgomery, Alabama
14. Which of these is NOT true about Ann Landers?
A. Her real name was "Eppie" Lederer
B. She began her column at the Los Angeles Times
C. Her twin sister wrote “Dear Abby“
ANSWERS
1. A. Boston
The entire robbery only took 17 minutes from beginning to end.
2. C. Gen. Douglas MacArthur
In his farewell speech to Congress in 1951.
3. B. J.D. Salinger
Herman Wouk wrote the Caine Mutiny and Faulkner will win the Noble Prize for his many works.
4. C. Guiding Light
“The Guiding Light“ was one of the most popular soaps ever produced.
5. A. A cocker spaniel dog named Checkers.
This was in response to the accusation that Nixon had a secret fund. He said all he had accepted was the gift of the dog.
6. B. Summit Mt. Everest
Fighting great odds, this pair became the first to reach the top of the World’s Tallest Mountain.
7. C. The “double helix“ of DNA
The discovery changed the world forever. Jonas Salk gets the credit for the polio vaccine. Researchers at Bell Labs came up with the transistor.
8. A. School segregation
The Court said, "Separate educational facilities are inherently unequal."
9. C. American Motors
A new series of automotive products emerged from this company and proved to be very popular with the automobile buying public.
10. A. Burger King
“Have it your way“ was a new concept in fast food in the 50’s.
11. C. Boxing
She made herself an expert on boxing exclusively for this show.
12. A. In God We Trust
This motto caused much discussion about the separation of Church and State.
13. C. Montgomery, Alabama
This city was a hotbed of the Civil Rights Movement.
14. B. She began her column at The Los Angeles Times
Esther "Eppie" Lederer first took the job in 1955 at the Chicago Sun-Times, replacing the previous writer on an advice column, "Ask Ann Landers. Ann Landers became on of the most popular “Advice to the lovelorn“ columnist in history. We know them as the Lederer Sisters from Sioux City!
SCORING
10 to 14 correct: WOW!
You must have had a great decade
5 to 9 correct: OOPS!
You must have been doing your homework.
0 to 4 correct: WHATSAMATTER?
Spend most of your youth standing in the corner?
© 2005 - Frank Kaiser
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
All the Best things in Life
Are not Things at all
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women.
MEMORY TEST!
There are 20 questions. Average score is 12 .
This one will be difficult for the younger set. (DUDE!)
1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E.. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil
2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson.
B. Roy Orbison..
C. Gene Autry.
D. Rudolph Valentino.
E. Fabian.
F. Mickey Mantle.
G. Cassius Clay.
3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and....
A. It's you.
B. He is us.
C. It's the Grinch.
D. He wasn't home.
E. He's really me and you.
F. We quit.
G. He surrendered.
4. Good night, David.
A. Good night, Chet.
B. Sleep well.
C. Good night, Irene.
D.. Good night, Gracie.
E. See you later, alligator.
F. Until tomorrow.
G. Good night, Steve.
5. You'll wonder where the yellow went....
A. When you use Tide.
B. When you lose your crayons.
C. When you clean your tub.
D. If you paint the room blue.
E. If you buy a soft water tank.
F. When you use Lady Clairol.
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.
6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend...
A. Stuart Whitman.
B Randolph Scott.
C. Steve Reeves.
D. Maynard G. Krebs.
E. Corky B. Dork.
F. Dave the Whale.
G. Zippy Zoo.
7. Liar, liar...
A. You're a liar.
B. Your nose is growing.
C. Pants on fire.
D. Join the choir.
E. Jump up higher.
F. On the wire.
G. I'm telling Mom.
8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and....
A. Wheaties.
B. Lois Lane .
C. TV ratings.
D. World peace.
E. Red tights.
F. The American way.
G. News headlines.
9. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It's time for Yogi Bear.
B It's time to do your homework.
C. It's Howdy Doody Time.
D. It's time for Romper Room.
E. It's bedtime.
F.. The Mighty Mouse Hour..
G. Scoopy Doo Time.
10. Lions and tigers and bears....
A. Yikes.
B. Oh, no.
C. Gee whiz.
D. I'm scared..
E. Oh my.
F. Help! Help!
G. Let's run.
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...
A. Over 40.
B. Wearing a uniform.
C.. Carrying a briefcase.
D. Over 30.
E. You don't know.
F. Who says, 'Trust me'..
G. Who eats tofu.
12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings...
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Staubach
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway
13. Brylcream...
A. Smear it on.
B. You'll smell great..
C. Tame that cowlick.
D. Grease ball heaven.
E. It's a dream.
F. We're your team.
G.. A little dab'll do ya.
14. I found my thrill...
A. In Blueberry muffins..
B. With my man, Bill.
C.. Down at the mill.
D. Over the windowsill.
E. With thyme and dill..
F. Too late to enjoy.
G. On Blueberry Hill.
15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by....
A. Clark Gable.
B. Mary Martin.
C. Doris Day.
D. Errol Flynn.
E. Sally Fields.
F. Jim Carrey.
G. Jay Leno.
16. Name the Beatles...
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. I wonder, wonder, who.
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?
18. I'm strong to the finish...
A.. Cause I eats my broccoli.
B. Cause I eats me spinach.
C. Cause I lift weights.
D. Cause I'm the hero.
E. And don't you for get it.
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me.
G. To outlast Bruto.
19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today.
A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera.
B. Smile, you're on Star Search.
C. Smile, you won the lottery.
D. Smile, we're watching you.
E. Smile, the world sees you.
F. Smile, you're a hit.
G. Smile, you're on TV.
20. What do M & M's do?
A. Make your tummy happy.
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket.
C. Make you fat.
D. Melt your heart.
E... Make you popular.
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
G. Come in colors.
Below are the right answers:
1. D - Wonder Bread
2. G - Cass ius Clay
3. B - He Is us
4. A - Good night, Chet
5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D - Maynard G. Krebs
7. C - Pants on fire
8. F - The American Way
9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time
10. E - Oh my
11. D - Over 30
12. C - Joe Namath
13. G - A little dab'll do ya
14. G - On Blueberry Hill
15. B - Mary Martin
16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. D - Who wrote the book of Love
18. B - Cause I eats me spinach
19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20.. F - Melt in your mouth not in your hand
Change is coming...
1. The Post Office. Get ready to imagine a world without the post office. They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term. Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills.
2. The Check. Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with checks by 2018. It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year to process checks. Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of the check. This plays right into the death of the post office. If you never paid your bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post office would absolutely go out of business.
3. The Newspaper. The younger generation simply doesn't read the newspaper. They certainly don't subscribe to a daily delivered print edition. That may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man. As for reading the paper online, get ready to pay for it. The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance. They have met with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone companies to develop a model for paid subscription services.
4. The Book. You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand and turn the literal pages. I said the same thing about downloading music from iTunes. I wanted my hard copy CD. But I quickly changed my mind when I discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever leaving home to get the latest music. The same thing will happen with books. You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter before you buy. And the price is less than half that of a real book. And think of the convenience! Once you start flicking your fingers on the screen instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story, can't wait to see what happens next, and you forget that you're holding a gadget instead of a book.
5. The Land Line Telephone. Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don't need it anymore. Most people keep it simply because they're always had it. But you are paying double charges for that extra service. All the cell phone companies will let you call customers using the same cell provider for no charge against your minutes.
6. Music. This is one of the saddest parts of the change story. The music industry is dying a slow death. Not just because of illegal downloading. It's the lack of innovative new music being given a chance to get to the people who would like to hear it. Greed and corruption is the problem. The record labels and the radio conglomerates simply self-destruction. Over 40% of the music purchased today is "catalog items," meaning traditional music that the public is familiar with older established artists. This is also true on the live concert circuit. To explore this fascinating and disturbing topic further, check out the book, "Appetite for Self-Destruction" by Steve Knopper, and the video documentary, "Before the Music Dies."
7. Television. Revenues to the networks are down dramatically. Not just because of the economy. People are watching TV and movies streamed from their computers. And they're playing games and doing all lots of other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV. Prime time shows have degenerated down to lower than the lowest common denominator. Cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30 seconds. I say good riddance to most of it. It's time for the cable companies to be put out of our misery. Let the people choose what they want to watch online and through Netflix.
8. The "Things" That You Own. Many of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives, but we may not actually own them in the future. They may simply reside in "the cloud." Today your computer has a hard drive and you store your pictures, music, movies, and documents. Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always re-install it if need be. But all of that is changing. Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up their latest "cloud services." That means that when you turn on a computer, the Internet will be built into the operating system. So, Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the Internet. If you click an icon, it will open something in the Internet cloud. If you save something, it will be saved to the cloud. And you may pay a monthly subscription fee to the cloud provider.
In this virtual world, you can access your music or your books, or your whatever from any laptop or handheld device. That's the good news. But, will you actually own any of this "stuff" or will it all be able to disappear at any moment in a big "Poof?" Will most of the things in our lives be disposable and whimsical? It makes you want to run to the closet and pull out that photo album, grab a book from the shelf, or open up a CD case and pull out the insert.
9. Privacy. If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it would be privacy. That's gone. It's been gone for a long time anyway. There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone. But you can be sure that 24/7, "They" know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and the Google Street View. If you buy something, your habit is put into a zillion profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits. And "They" will try to get you to buy something else. Again and again.
All we will have that can't be changed are Memories.